The queen

[phone rings]
Man: hello, palace.
Guido: g'day mate, my name is guido hatzis, right,
M: yes?
G: and i read in the paper today that the queen is coming to
australia next year.
M: yes yes, where are you calling from?
G: mate i call from australia. now i’m prepared to let the
old lady stay at my place, alright?
M: err, who is this?
G: mate it's guido hatzis, alright?
M: ahh, where are you from?
G: mate i told you before alright you deaf pommy poof, alright,
i’m from australia, alright?
M: i beg your pardon? you can't-
G: nah, nah mate listen to me, listen to me, alright?
M: you can't speak to me like that!
G: nah i will speak to you like that, alright? i’m ringing to
tell you that the queen can stay at my place but only on the
couch mate, alright?
M: err, i'm fine? look?
G: nah, nah mate, are you a beefeater, is that what you are?
M: i beg your pardon?
G: mate are you a beefeater? ‘cos i tell ya, the next thing you'll
eat mate is a knuckle sandwich from me, right?
M: look, if you have any specific comments, i can write them in
the book and pass them on.
G: nah, nah, mate, write in the book alright, write it right now,
you are a dick-head pommy poof, alright, can you spell that?
M: i'm sorry.
G: nah, nah, mate i am sorry that i speak to you, you're the
dickhead mate, you need to get me the queen on the phone now,
alright?

M: i'm sorry?
G: yeah, you say sorry alot mate, i’d be sorry if i had a head
like you mate, alright?
M: listen, if you have any specific enquiries about the royal family-
G: nah, nah, mate, i'll start again, alright, cause you're a stupid
pommy poofter alright, so what we do, right, the queen, she come
and stay at my place, alright, two days a week she work at my
nanna's fish and chip shop, alright?
M: (mumbling) ridiculous.
G: nah, mate, ridiculous? it will be, she will get the sack if she
steal any pickled onions alright?
M: i don’t believe this!
G: nah, nah mate, i am tired of speaking to you, i will go now, alright?
M: look, if you have any specific enquiries about the royal family,
you can leave them here, with, and i will write them in the book
and pass them on.
G: mate, alright, you write 'em in the book, alright, why are they a
bunch of poofs?
Question mark, guido hatzis, goodbye.
[guido hangs up]