Letters to april

If I start writing you a letter tonight
I'll be writing for hours
It doesn't seem like I can say anything
Unless it's everything.
If it could ever find its way to an envelope
It won't find its way to you
You're a million miles away.
It always seemed that way when
You weren't at arms length
There were some things that I wanted to tell you
And wanted to say
But I couldn't find you
And I couldn't find a way
So how in the world did everything go wrong?

I won't fall asleep tonight
As hard as I look
I won't find you in my arms
I was almost sure you were supposed to be there
I locked you inside of my chest
Two years ago
And I'm not letting you out.
I just thought that you should know. All the things I thought were everything
I'm scared weren't anything.
Separation is such a relentless ache
The thoughts of you streaming
Each one more beautiful than the one before
And I'm asking myself
How could I've been better for you?

Listening for your voice
To break the silence that goes on forever
I'm not sure I told you enough
You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
I'm sure if I look hard enough
I'll find you pressed against me in my arms,
Lips on your neck, You're voice
Promising me that you'll always love me

PS I'll always love you and I'm scared of hurting you.