Fear of bliss

My misery has enjoyed company
and although I have ached
I don't threaten anybody
sometimes I feel more bigness than I've shared with you
sometimes I wonder why I quell when I'm not required to

I've tried to be small I've tried to be stunted
I've tried roadblocks and all
my happy endings prevented

sometimes I feel it's all just too big to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do

fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

I could be golden I could be glowing I could be freedom
but that could be boring

sometimes I feel this is too scary to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of losing you

this talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down
under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone

I could be full I could be thriving I could be shining
sounds isolating

sometimes I feel this is too good to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my joy could do