Disgust

It's not just my imagination that i got a gun to my head. cause i can feel the cold metal and i can smell the gun powder. i know they got their sights on me and its not just paranoia that makes me think this way. i know they got their plan for me. i know they got a grave for me. they want me to admit defeat. they want me to show my fear they know their system's going to break me. it's crushed countless before me.
I stand here and try to look out into the dark vastness that is my future. unfortunately i can't see shit. there are clouds and there seems to be layers to the sky. it's all just too unknown. i waste time wanting to know what will happen. how will it end. but i never want to reach that day when i no longer have a need for that curiosity. i don't want to know the end to this "movie".
Shouldn't i be living yet? shouldn't i know where i'm headed by now i have millions of dreams and things i want to do with this life. but i barely have time to do the little i do now. it's not satisfaction i get relaxing at the end of the day. it's escape from the stress. disgust that i'm already in bed waiting to go to sleep again. wasn't i just heere? didn't this just happen? i can't say i know what will happen tomorrow. the higher meaning that i'm looking for did not show itself today.